I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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