My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize