she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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