he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
