Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
