U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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