I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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