i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
