I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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