i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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