A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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