I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
