my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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