Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
