Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
