You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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