I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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