Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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