The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
