apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
