I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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