three words: i give head
three words: not that well
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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