while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
