I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
