Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
