do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
