Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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