We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
