"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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