I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
