Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
ttyl tear gas
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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