my being single is dangerous.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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