Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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