Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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