I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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