Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Bring me that man meat
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
