I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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