also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
