She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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