I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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