spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
