I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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