Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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