I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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