I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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