I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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