I just made out with a guy for $7.
id be glad to
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
