I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize