Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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