make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
