Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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