I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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