i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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